What Father's Day Means to Me

Week 24

Father’s Day is today. I have a father. We all do. Some are alive and some are not. Mine is alive, he just sucks. It’s a fact of life. I’m not proud of it, but, I’m not ashamed of it either. Some are good parents and some are not. It took adulthood for me to understand that some parents are just a biological contributor and nothing more.

You see, my father was a coward who moved his family halfway across the country, then he just left and never came back. I understand that adults have their own problems. But, to abandon your own children and leave them in the wake of your wrecked relationship like flotsam and jetsam floating on the sea is still far beyond my comprehension. How can you say you love someone, then turn and walk away… forever?

I can’t imagine leaving my children behind. Not for a second do I think I could have lived without them. That just makes me a different kind of person from my father. My family has always come first in my life. They enrich my life. I don’t feel sorry for myself and I don’t want anyone else to feel sorry for me. Stories like mine are a dime a dozen.

I had some amazing role models in the dad department growing up. My best friend’s dad was one of the greatest. He was always very involved with not only his children, but their friends as well. He was a loving, kind, compassionate father. He was the kind of man who loaned himself out to a little girl who had just lost her father, and wrapped her in his own rare kind of accepting love. He was my first Pop... Pop Finley.

I grew up with a grandfather that did everything in his power to step up to the plate as a role model when my father dumped us (my mother, my sister and myself) practically on his and my grandmother’s doorstep. Not for a second have I ever doubted how much he loved me. He was a wonderful man and an exceptional Grand-DAD.

When I got married, I gained a new dad, my father-in-law, otherwise known as Pop (my second Pop). He accepted me from the beginning and for the first time, I felt like I had a real father. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that I would someday be the person who would end up taking care of him and my mother-in-law in their twilight years, but I did. The last three years of his life, I was blessed to share a kind of love that defies description as I became the parent and Alzheimer’s made him the child.

When it comes to dads, I have been extraordinarily blessed. Though they have all passed on, I am thankful for the time they were in my life. As for my sperm-donor, he missed out on more than he could ever know. He missed out on knowing me.

Maladies of Middle Age

Week 23
(YAY! Halfway through the year!)

Age catches up to all of us. It does it at different times, it may do it in slightly different ways, but it never fails to catch up. You wake up one morning and parts of your body are suddenly too sore to easily move. You’re hearing creaks and pops from joints you didn’t even realize you had.

You pick up a book and are startled to discover it has to be pulled nearer or pushed farther away to make the words legible. Reading glasses become the only solution. If you already have vision issues you will rapidly be introduced to the wonderful world of bifocals or progressive lenses.

One day you will realize you run out of steam a lot faster than you did before you stood at the peak of the middle years hump. Gradually, you are forced to admit that four hours sleep a night just isn’t enough to recharge your batteries any more. Unfortunately, for many, sleeplessness can also become a frequent visitor.


Generally, your waistline thickens and a few pounds can easily slip into a lot of pounds if you aren’t careful. The pounds that go on require twice as much effort to get rid of as they did a year ago. You discover that different foods and drink you’ve eaten your entire life suddenly cause a variety of new maladies. They can cause you to get heartburn, to burp, to fart, to get a bellyache, to pee more or pee less, etc., etc., etc.

For females you get to experience the joys of Menopause. Your hormones suddenly run amok causing hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, increased stress, forgetfulness, menstrual cycles that come and go on a schedule all their own, etc.

Things on your body droop a bit more, wrinkle a bit more, and may not pop up as much as they used to. I won’t even dare to touch the subject of sex because the changes in this area, for both males and females, are as vast as the universe itself. Trust me, when they begin to happen you’ll know it. You may not like it, but you will definitely know it. On the bright side, as far as I can tell, there seems to be a solution out there for just about any problem you can encounter in this area.

Don’t even get me started on the oddity of the sneeze/leak factor. If it’s ever happened to you, you know what I mean! Since complaining about it all hasn’t seemed to get me anywhere, I think I will attempt to revel in it. I will embrace the absurdity of middle-aged maladies and just keep smiling. After all, if I'm lucky, I still have old age to look forward to.

Caregiver's Prayer

Week 22


Please give me patience throughout my whole day.
Please remind me to make time to pray.

Help me to be giving, caring, and kind.
Help me remember, I’m the one in right mind.

When I’m deep in the muck, up to my neck,
Help me always to show others respect.

When I’m tired, frustrated, or sad,
Remind me my plight isn’t so bad.

Please give me courage and wisdom to share
And give me the strength to always be there.

Meet My Grandfather

Week 21

Tomorrow is Memorial Day. For as long as I can remember, this holiday has reminded me of my grandfather. Granddaddy was a bomber pilot in WWII. He flew a B-17. Though he didn’t die in the war, it is a day I pause to pay my respects to him. He would have died in an instant to protect his country, his crew, and his loved ones back home. He was the epitome of a good military man.

He was a wonderful man made of the sternest stock. Of all the men I have ever looked up to in my life, he is the man I have most admired. He demanded more from me than I often thought I had to give. I realize now that he taught me the meanings of determination and perseverance by his examples.

Due to circumstances beyond his control he was forced to drop-out of high school. He continued up the ladder of his distinguished military career until he reached the rank of Lt. Colonel. When he retired, he continued working at the Air Force Base as a civilian. He wrote text books for pilot training. He went to night school and got his GED. His thirst for knowledge and a desire to finish something he had sworn to himself he would do, led him to enrolling at the local junior college.

Granddaddy was a kind and gentle man. But, Lord, help you if you truly made him mad. I made him mad twice in my life. One of them resulted in the whipping of a lifetime when he took a cast iron frying pan to my posterior. Neither of the times I angered him was exactly fair, as I was not guilty in either instance. He was a hard man, but he was fair. He taught me the meaning of humility and contrition as he awkwardly stroked my hair while apologizing for not finding out the facts before acting. He never apologized for the whipping though. I can assure you the lessons I learned from him have stuck with me all my days since.

It Seems

Week 20

Nothing is ever quite what it seems.

It all stays the same;
But is never the same.
Constantly changing
Frequently unchanged.

Nothing is ever at all what it seems.

Mother's Day 2013

Week 19


How to describe American commercialism in three easy lessons: Valentine’s Day covers February then a lull in the retail-after-Christmas-before-tax returns-slump. Next comes Mother’s Day in May and then Father’s Day for June.

I have always felt like we should tell those who mean the most to us that we love them all the time. That we shouldn’t wait for “holidays” to tell us to tell them how we feel. Valentine's Day is a crock of junk and I have never REALLY known a father so, you are really what comes to my mind when thinking of this particular trilogy.

Here I sit, subject to the calendar… a prisoner of timelines… ever waiting for the latest test results, ever waiting for a new prognosis. I am guilted, by society, into telling you that I love you, on this the magical day, somebody in the retail world invented.

I DO love you. I always have. You are my mother. You are the woman who loved me before I was born. You are the woman who carried me for nine long months, who gave me life. You are the woman who cried for me when the world seemed darkest for me. You are the woman who has always felt my pain, and too frequently, tried to absorb it, to lessen that which I would have to endure. You are one of the greatest gifts that life has given me because I have never doubted your love for me.

Mama, I have always known you tried your very best to be the best mother you could be. I know that you have always wanted what was best for me. I have ALWAYS known you love me. And I have always known I had a friend in you. What you have termed as pushing you and others away, is truly a matter of self-preservation from birth. I never meant to offend. In fact, I have only sought to spread peace and love wherever my path has crossed. But in every moment, I have known that if I needed you, you would have my back.

I love you, Mama. I want you to know that I see everyday with you in my life as Mother's Day!

Oh My!

Week 18



You wake up one morning to realize that various body parts did not wake up with you. As you attempt to move, bits and pieces are assaulted by the tingling of blood rushing to parts that obviously had their supply cut off while you were sleeping.

Your bladder feels as if you will explode if you don’t hurry, even though it seems like you were up ten times during the night with the same sense of urgency. Rising from the bed, you hear creaks, groans, pops and cracks as your joints awaken and protest against your movements.

As you brush your teeth, you notice the bags under your eyes. Rinsing, you smile at your reflection and notice the wrinkles that appear around your eyes, beside your mouth, in your forehead. You toss the towel at the shower rod in disgust. You miss. You bend down to retrieve it and a hand goes to the small of your back as you straighten.

The days of jumping out of bed and rushing headlong against the world have passed. Suddenly life has become a series of aches and pains and age, oh my!