I Gotta Laugh

Week 28


Yesterday went nothing like I expected it to. I learned a long time ago that Peggy, the lady I take care of, and I get along best when we are not exposed to prolonged time together. This rule actually applies to all of her caregivers. It also works best when she isn’t suffering from anxieties, because, she unfortunately, brings her anxieties onto herself. This was destined to be an anxiety riddled weekend before it ever started and I was determined to get through it the best I could.

Peggy loves planning parties. Big ones or little ones, it doesn’t matter, she adores them all. She gets a small idea in her mind and it runs to epic proportions at times. Or as is the case with last night, it went from a dinner party of 3 on Thursday to a party of 8 by Friday night. To make it easier on me, she had the meal catered. All I had to do is pick it up… at 1:00 pm I went to pick up stuff from her friend Mae that needed to be exchanged (Mae is critically ill so we occasionally do things for her and her husband), had to go to 2 different grocery stores, a department store (for the exchanges), Walmart , delivered the exchanged items to Mae, then back home to unload everything and pick up the dogs, drop the dogs off at the groomer’s by 4:00 (which was accomplished but Luna (big boxer mix) decided to twist herself around me as Happy (Cavalier Spaniel) twisted the opposite direction resulting in me landing on my butt hog-tied in the main aisle at PetSmart), and be at the caterer’s by 4:15.

At the caterer’s, it took a bit longer than expected because of a minor mistake. From there I dropped off the a complete dinner for two at Mae & David’s, made it home in time to get the table set and everything organized.

It’s our job to see to it that everything gets done exactly the way she wants it. The biggest problem is, the closer it gets to party time, the worse her anxieties get. I prefer to try to get her through the evening without anxiety meds whenever possible. Last night was a good night… a med free evening. Peggy was ready and waiting an hour before the guests arrived. Everything was on schedule and I managed to slip into my brand new clothes less than 2 minutes before the doorbell rang with the first guests.

There were 2 couples Marlene & Peter, Gloria & Tracy. I served everyone drinks and went back to the kitchen. A couple of seconds later, Peter came in wanting ice for Marlene’s red wine. I filled a separate glass with ice cubes and handed it to him. He reached in and grabbed several pieces which he plunked into the wine causing a rain shower of bright purple spots to appear all over my new dress. He apologized and leaned forward as if to wipe at them and dribbled more down the bottom of it in little rivulets. With a sigh, I ushered him out of the room, assuring him it was ok.

Dinner went off without a hitch. As the last guest slipped out the door, I was a blur of motion. The dogs were supposed to be picked up at 8 and it was almost that. Peggy decided she wanted to ride with me and I urged her to hurry. We made it to pick up the dogs right at 8:30. Loading them in the back we headed to Richard’s hotel. Because I am on a liquid diet, Peggy insisted on getting a complete meal for Richard and dropping it off to him. From there we stopped by my house so I could grab the pillow I’d forgotten to take with me on Friday. I never sleep worth a flip without it!

By bedtime, we were both exhausted. I put her to bed and started the dishwasher, I started a load of clothes and went to get out of my stained dress. I looked at the damage and thought to myself, “There has to be a way to salvage it.” Suddenly, I had a thought. I went and poured a glass of red wine before carrying it to my room. I laid the dress out on the bed and flicked wine droplets off my fingers onto the dress. By the time I was done, it looked like part of the tie-dye design and I have the added bonus of having a one-of-a-kind original. If you can’t laugh at life, it will make you cry. Me? I gotta laugh.

My Anchor

Week 27



I feel as if I’ve been set adrift,
my anchor no longer there.
I am floating along, doing the things that I must do.
But everything feels surreal right now.
I stagger beneath the weight of an overwhelming sense of loss.
It almost feels like something or someone died.

Suddenly, I realize that as long as someone is alive,
there is the possibility of changing the current circumstances.
A ray of hope begins to shine.
I remind myself that I am alive.
I have found my anchor again.
I have found me.

Flying Colors

Week 26


As doctor after doctor told Mama she shouldn’t have her knee replaced right now, I watched a determination light her eyes. They explained that she was at the highest of risks if she underwent anesthesia. They doubted she would survive the surgery. Regardless of their words, I saw the desperation to reclaim any shred of quality to her life. I thought of the unbelievable pain she had been in for months and the heavy drugs she had been on because of it. I knew she felt she had no other choice. I know I had no other choice. I supported her in her decision to go ahead with the surgery.

I was amazed that it took this to finally get her to draw up a Will but she finally did. I am so proud of her for getting her affairs in order.

Almost one year ago, they told her she had cancer and she only had 3-6 weeks to live… she proved them wrong. They told her she probably wouldn’t make it through this surgery… she proved them wrong. Shouldn't, couldn't and wouldn't just are NOT a part of our vocabularies. She came through it with flying colors. She showed everyone just what she is made of. I have always said I come from the stock of steel magnolias and Mama proved it yet again. I’m not surprised, just very, very thankful. This is not where it ends. We have things to do, places to go, and things to see. If Mama wants the moon, I will try to lasso it for her. She is not just my mother, she is my friend.

Vindication

Week 25


I wish I didn’t have to deal with the jealousies, insecurities, greed, spitefulness, anger, viciousness, and lying of loved ones in my life. They make it very difficult to find peace sometimes. They wound in a way only family can ever wound you. They attack me where I am most vulnerable. They can do it because they know my weakest spots after having spent a lifetime as my family. While I love them, I’ve discovered I have no option but to seek shelter from their storm of hatred.

There is nothing about my life that should cause envy or jealousy. I am not and never have been pretty. I do not and have never had much money and I have worked damn hard for what I have earned. Making ends meet has become something of an art form for me. I am not young. In fact, I get steadily older every minute. I take care of the dying while I try to help them to live. I am always tired, and often short-tempered.

I am hurt but I’m not beaten. I am down but I’m not out. I will not hang my head for even a moment, because I am the only one who has nothing to be ashamed of. I am sad for the losses, because they aren’t worth the price that’s been paid. I wonder if they will ever notice?

I know the truth. God knows the truth. My friends, the real ones, know the truth. My family, the real ones, know the truth. And if they would only take a moment to cast their negatives aside, they, too, would know the truth. I am certain they already do. They won't find the validation they are looking for because it doesn't exist where they are looking. I don't need anyone's validation but I do want vindication. I deserve it.

There will come a day when this will all be over and I will breathe a sigh of relief. I will put it all behind me and finally be free to move on as far from the dark as I can get. After all, hasn’t it been said before, “The truth shall set you free”!

What Father's Day Means to Me

Week 24

Father’s Day is today. I have a father. We all do. Some are alive and some are not. Mine is alive, he just sucks. It’s a fact of life. I’m not proud of it, but, I’m not ashamed of it either. Some are good parents and some are not. It took adulthood for me to understand that some parents are just a biological contributor and nothing more.

You see, my father was a coward who moved his family halfway across the country, then he just left and never came back. I understand that adults have their own problems. But, to abandon your own children and leave them in the wake of your wrecked relationship like flotsam and jetsam floating on the sea is still far beyond my comprehension. How can you say you love someone, then turn and walk away… forever?

I can’t imagine leaving my children behind. Not for a second do I think I could have lived without them. That just makes me a different kind of person from my father. My family has always come first in my life. They enrich my life. I don’t feel sorry for myself and I don’t want anyone else to feel sorry for me. Stories like mine are a dime a dozen.

I had some amazing role models in the dad department growing up. My best friend’s dad was one of the greatest. He was always very involved with not only his children, but their friends as well. He was a loving, kind, compassionate father. He was the kind of man who loaned himself out to a little girl who had just lost her father, and wrapped her in his own rare kind of accepting love. He was my first Pop... Pop Finley.

I grew up with a grandfather that did everything in his power to step up to the plate as a role model when my father dumped us (my mother, my sister and myself) practically on his and my grandmother’s doorstep. Not for a second have I ever doubted how much he loved me. He was a wonderful man and an exceptional Grand-DAD.

When I got married, I gained a new dad, my father-in-law, otherwise known as Pop (my second Pop). He accepted me from the beginning and for the first time, I felt like I had a real father. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that I would someday be the person who would end up taking care of him and my mother-in-law in their twilight years, but I did. The last three years of his life, I was blessed to share a kind of love that defies description as I became the parent and Alzheimer’s made him the child.

When it comes to dads, I have been extraordinarily blessed. Though they have all passed on, I am thankful for the time they were in my life. As for my sperm-donor, he missed out on more than he could ever know. He missed out on knowing me.

Maladies of Middle Age

Week 23
(YAY! Halfway through the year!)

Age catches up to all of us. It does it at different times, it may do it in slightly different ways, but it never fails to catch up. You wake up one morning and parts of your body are suddenly too sore to easily move. You’re hearing creaks and pops from joints you didn’t even realize you had.

You pick up a book and are startled to discover it has to be pulled nearer or pushed farther away to make the words legible. Reading glasses become the only solution. If you already have vision issues you will rapidly be introduced to the wonderful world of bifocals or progressive lenses.

One day you will realize you run out of steam a lot faster than you did before you stood at the peak of the middle years hump. Gradually, you are forced to admit that four hours sleep a night just isn’t enough to recharge your batteries any more. Unfortunately, for many, sleeplessness can also become a frequent visitor.


Generally, your waistline thickens and a few pounds can easily slip into a lot of pounds if you aren’t careful. The pounds that go on require twice as much effort to get rid of as they did a year ago. You discover that different foods and drink you’ve eaten your entire life suddenly cause a variety of new maladies. They can cause you to get heartburn, to burp, to fart, to get a bellyache, to pee more or pee less, etc., etc., etc.

For females you get to experience the joys of Menopause. Your hormones suddenly run amok causing hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, increased stress, forgetfulness, menstrual cycles that come and go on a schedule all their own, etc.

Things on your body droop a bit more, wrinkle a bit more, and may not pop up as much as they used to. I won’t even dare to touch the subject of sex because the changes in this area, for both males and females, are as vast as the universe itself. Trust me, when they begin to happen you’ll know it. You may not like it, but you will definitely know it. On the bright side, as far as I can tell, there seems to be a solution out there for just about any problem you can encounter in this area.

Don’t even get me started on the oddity of the sneeze/leak factor. If it’s ever happened to you, you know what I mean! Since complaining about it all hasn’t seemed to get me anywhere, I think I will attempt to revel in it. I will embrace the absurdity of middle-aged maladies and just keep smiling. After all, if I'm lucky, I still have old age to look forward to.

Caregiver's Prayer

Week 22


Please give me patience throughout my whole day.
Please remind me to make time to pray.

Help me to be giving, caring, and kind.
Help me remember, I’m the one in right mind.

When I’m deep in the muck, up to my neck,
Help me always to show others respect.

When I’m tired, frustrated, or sad,
Remind me my plight isn’t so bad.

Please give me courage and wisdom to share
And give me the strength to always be there.