Let The Bucket List Trip Begin

Week 35

Today I will be brief. I am loading the car to head to my mom's. Our adventure begins tomorrow. We have specific destinations but no real itinerary. We have specific wishes with lots of wiggle room in between. We have a true desire to spend this time together. I will try to keep a diary while I am gone. Maybe, I will share it here. Who knows? But for now, I'm outta here!

The Grand Adventure

Week 34


In a little over a week, I will embark on a grand adventure with my mom. Her goal since being diagnosed with cancer (she was given 6 weeks to live) has been to get healthy enough to go on a long road trip. 13 months, a full course of heavy duty radiation, a couple of rounds of chemo, pneumonia twice, several bad falls, and a full knee replacement later, we are soon to be on our way.

I pray this will be a restful trip for her, a chance for her to feel real peace deep inside her soul, a chance for her to heal her spirit, without the weight of day-to-day stresses and illness pulling her down. I want her to be surrounded with love and light and laughter. I want her to be with people who genuinely want to be with her. I want to make memories with her that will last a lifetime.

We will find resolution in some instances… with some people… in some places from the past… I hope. We will eat junk food and health food. We will shop for silly souvenirs and postcards. We will listen to music we both like. We will attempt to cross things off each of our bucket lists.

We will celebrate her birthday on the road. It will be a real celebration for her and only her! We will celebrate and rejoice in the fact that we are together and we are both LIVING!

I hope that in the course of things, as we drive along… we will talk… we will share… we will laugh… we will cry… we will respect… and we will love. For two weeks I will be on the road with my mother and I couldn’t be happier at the prospect.

This is My Honest Place

Week 33



Have you ever known that disaster was eminent? Have you ever known that life as you know it is about to end?
I have.
I do.
It is.

I am already wishing it was all over. But, I apparently have to ride this ride for a while.
I don’t have to need a ticket. I don’t have to want it. I don’t have to like it.
I just have to live with it… for now.

I think of all the changes that will occur in the foreseeable future and I shudder. I have spent my entire life taking care of others. I have spent my entire life wishing someone would want to take care of me.

Wow! Seriously, I can’t believe I just said that. But, I am going to let it stand as pure honesty. This is my honest place. This is the only place I have left in my life that it’s safe to melt down. I am definitely in melt-down mode. Not that I will allow that to happen, because I won't. I kind of just wish I had the luxury of being able to do it.

In the upcoming weeks, there will be many changes in our lives. Our boarder/roommate/adopted son/friend is moving to California for the next 6-7 months. Our oldest daughter, her husband, and 1 ½ year old daughter will be moving in temporarily until they can secure jobs and a place to live. Our son has no clue if he is moving home or not.

In the midst of it all, I am trying to help my mom plan the “bucket list” trip she so desperately wants, and needs to take. If I am lucky, I will be crossing off a couple of things on my own “bucket list” along the way.


Dear Lord,
I need your help now more than ever. Please help me find the strength I need to face the dawn of tomorrow… and the sunset, too.
Please help me to ALWAYS love unconditionally, even if I have to draw from the darkest corners of my being.
Help me to be the best me I can be because…
I am,
Justme

Holey Memories

Week 32

I have piercings.In fact, I have a lot of piercings. I have 51 that I am positive about. But to be honest, there may be more in my left ear than I am seeing. It's kind of hard to tell unless I take them all out, a chore that is daunting at best. I have 1 in my nose, 1 in my eyebrow, 4 in my belly button, 5 in my right ear and at least 40 in my left ear. Several years ago, I started losing earrings and couldn’t afford to replace them. I gradually took many more out. I finally found the type of earrings I was looking for at a reasonable price. I bought as many of them as I could find, which involved going to three stores in two states to find them. My goal is to fill every hole before my 50th birthday which is coming all too soon!

Something most people don’t know is that my piercings are my way of commemorating significant milestones and memories in my life and those of loved ones. There are births and deaths, special birthdays and graduations from high schools and colleges, weddings and even a divorce or two. I have baptisms and confirmations, personal achievements and a couple I did just for fun.

Two weeks ago, I got a new piercing. My niece, age 15, wanted to get her first cartilage piercing. I wanted to get my tragus done so I agreed to take her. I am so glad I did. One of the most memorable afternoons of my life was a direct result of that promise. My mother and my sister agreed to go with us. By the time we left the house, my mom had decided to get both of her ears pierced with a second hole. I was delighted that 3 generations of women in my family were getting pierced together. Much to my surprise, my sister even joined in on the fun and got a new hole in the top of her ear. It was the first time in such a long time that my mother, my sister and I had even remotely gotten along. It was nice.

As I diligently clean and turn my newest earring several times a day, I pause for a brief moment as my ear burns like fire (this particular piercing is going to be a very slow healer). But I digress. I realize I am thankful for my wonderful, crazy memories. And, as crazy as they can be, I am thankful for my family. If truth be told, without them, I wouldn’t be me.

Road Trip

Week 31

Last night, we met with many of his old friends for a birthday celebration (his friend John’s birthday) in New Orleans. I rarely feel comfortable at such events but I knew how important it was to Richard that I be there. I went and it was more fun than I thought it would be. That’s the problem with social anxiety, things rarely turn out as bad as your mind tried to make them beforehand.

The only bad thing about it at all was an old girlfriend of his that kept going out of her way to remind me that they had once been together. In retrospect, it’s totally laughable. I truly couldn’t care less about things that happened so many years ago. Or even so much about what the future may hold. I just plain found her to be annoying and not very bright. But I will say she was sort of nice.

That being said, I met several very nice people. I got to see some I’ve met before and really like. So, all-in-all, I would say it was a lovely evening.
Now, we are travelling our way slowly home. Doing something we rarely do, we are both playing nice and on our best behaviors. We will spend the night here in Gulf Shores, Al. This week is short and sweet, kind of like me. Lol. It is time for me to flyyyyyy…

After A Lifetime

Week 30

After having not seen my father in almost 10 years, I saw him and my stepmonster day before yesterday. My sister, niece, nephew and I met them at their hotel to go swimming. In the course of a very stilted and very limited conversation, they played a weird tag-team game of question and answer. He expressed how much he liked my barefoot sandals and asked where I got them, as he stared down at my feet. He asked a lot about my mom’s health. She asked if I get to visit my mom often. He asked what kind of job I have. She asked what town I live in. He asked if I was planning to stay in the area. She asked why when I replied, "yes". I explained that we wanted to stay there until Jordyn graduates and I mentioned that he is staying with Melissa currently because of his job. He nodded his head and asked how many children Melissa has now. She asked if Richard and I are still married. He ran out of conversation. She apparently did, too. Seriously, that’s all I got after 10 years. That's it.

We moved toward the pool and they hastened to put a distance between us. I didn’t expect it to be anything other than what it was. He has no clue about anything in my life. He doesn’t want to know me. What breaks my heart in all of this, and always has, is the loss. He doesn't know me and he doesn't know my children (he has missed out on most of their lives) and he doesn't know my beautiful grandbabies. I’m not even sure he has a clue how many of them there are. I sincerely doubt he cares.

He has denied me for almost as long as I can remember. I’ve always wondered why. It’s a question that will never be answered. As I watched him from a distance, I was struck yet again, with how much I favor him and his side of the family. The resemblance is more pronounced as I age, I think. On the outside, it would seem I have inherited much from him, on the inside, not so much… if anything at all. There seems to be no resemblance between him and my blond-haired, blue-eyed sister. They on the other hand are VERY close, they always have been and apparently always will be. They are well suited for one another. She is crazy and he is an asshole.

My stepmonster spent almost the entire time sitting on the side of the pool playing Yatzhee with my sister. For some reason, my sister has always sucked up to her. As long as I can remember, they have paired up the few times we have all been together. I was just a wee bit amused at the pointed way the stepmonster ignored me for the most part. I'm afraid by association, my niece was ignored most of the time as well. The one time my father swam near us and appeared to want to communicate, he seemed at such a loss for words, I almost felt sorry for him... almost.

I’m certain the stepmonster was relieved when, after what seemed like forever of listening to the kids saying that they were hungry, I offered to go get everybody food. My niece and I dried off and nearly raced for the exit. The stepmonster's relief was nearly palpable when I delivered it and announced I couldn’t stay because I needed to get back to Mama’s so I could feed her, too. I told them my niece would be going with me. My niece had already begged me to not leave her and had eaten in the car on the way back.

The brief hugs we exchanged as they stood there holding the food I’d bought seemed to emphasize the distance between us. My father’s arms around me were the arms of a stranger. Stiff, reserved, and decidedly uncomfortable, it was an obligatory gesture that resonated with the saddest emptiness I have ever felt.

The stepmonster’s hug was devoid of all emotion. I’m not surprised because it’s been that way for the nearly 40 years I have known her. Funny, when I think of her I generally think of a void. I’ve never seen her as a particularly intelligent person. Nor do I see her as a person capable of true emotion. I can’t explain it I just feel it and always have.

To celebrate and commemorate the sense of freedom I felt at the moment I turned away from them, I decided to get a tattoo. Peter Pan, Wendy, John & Michael are now shadows flying across my arm. Those who know me will get the significance. Those who don’t won’t. Seeing him again has taught me several things. We are nothing to each other. We never really were. We never will be. After a lifetime of pain and anger, I am finally free.

Meet The Dragon

Week 29


I was subjected to a situation this past week that really made me stop and think about a lot of things. It can only be described as the road trip from hell. I was subjected to four long hours of torturous, venom-spewing, mind-boggling hatred mixed with occasional bouts of sweetness.

Unless you have dealt with the manic, I doubt you could possibly understand. The metaphorical punches just kept coming and coming. I was verbally slapped until I felt battered and bruised, raw and bloodied. I felt myself withdrawing from the onslaught. I wanted to draw away from the darkness that was being created. I struggled to focus on the light.

I have often equated this mental illness to a dragon. When it is sleeping, you can see only the riches around it. When it is awake, it burns, melts, and devours everything it can. God help the being that wakes the sleeping dragon…

Having not seen this particular dragon awake for a long time, I didn’t expect it now. For almost 31 years, I have dealt with it. I am nonetheless shocked every time it rears its ugly head. I have been the recipient of its wrath more times than I can count. It has broken bones and broken hearts. It has shattered lives and shattered dreams. It always leaves a wake of destruction and bloodshed until it moves on. You learn to tread warily, while constantly praying for peace.

The pain of knowing that someone you love has no control over their thoughts or actions is almost tangible. To be on the receiving end of this unique kind of anger and hatred is incomprehensible. To be the person the dragon holds responsible is a weight unlike any other. To live with the knowledge that you are blamed solely because you gave birth to the child that holds the dragon within, is the source of endless tears. To watch your child battle this for a lifetime is a lifetime filled with nightmares.

How difficult it is to accept and live with the dragon. I love the child with all my heart. I love the child and hate the dragon. Entirely separate entities, they are never one in the same, yet they are forever united. Seldom does a day go by that I don’t wish it could be slain. But to slay the dragon would be to kill the child and that is not an option.

Today, my heart ached to hear she was coming over. I held my breath as she walked in the door. Her smile told me the dragon is once again sleeping. All is temporarily right in her world. I could almost hear the echoes of his snores from within her as she hugged me. With a sigh, I looked deep into her eyes. There I saw, with relief, exactly what I was looking for. I saw only my child once again.