More Than Words

Week 5


The winds of change are blowing with gale force in my life. I feel as if I’m outdoors in the middle of a Category 5 hurricane trying to stay on my feet, with no lifeline in sight. Today I shouted three words I try to never string together, “FML”! I didn’t use the acronym, but the actual words. I threw my hands in the air as I began to cry. I let my tears fall freely in an effort to wash away the overwhelming hurt I felt.

Ever optimistic, ever hopeful, I am doomed to forever be reminded that you can’t wear rose-colored glasses and survive in today’s world. I wish sometimes I were someone, anyone, other than who I am. If I were someone else maybe I wouldn’t love so deeply. Maybe, I wouldn’t hurt quite so much for others. Nor would I be able to be hurt so deeply by the words and actions of others. But, I am who I am and I don’t know how to be anyone else.

We all have different types of people in our lives. For instance, there are people in my life I can always count on to say and do negative, sometimes, painful things. There are a few people who manage to bring drama with them at every turn. There are the people who are a positive, loving influence. And people who give encouragement and strength just because they are who they are. When the lines between the two become blurred, it can be quite painful.

I am saddened to discover that words can inflict the kind of damage that was left in the wake of a conversation I had today. The words were common, ordinary words that cut a path of destruction straight through my heart. To be more accurate, it wasn’t the words themselves but the way in which they were used.

Having someone I love, and admire, question my morals and principles on a subject that has nothing to do with either of those things was disconcerting to say the least. Their barely-concealed, sugarcoated outrage and indignation is a bitter pill indeed. Never in a million years could I have predicted that this particular person would feel the way they obviously do. I tried to make them understand that discussing the subject at hand would get us nowhere. I have no answers to many of the questions that were asked repeatedly because the situation itself is, as yet, unresolved. I am certain that we both left the discussion feeling many of the same things though for vastly different reasons. Frustration, pain, disappointment, and disillusionment are not just words but very real feelings.

The things I’ve always felt we shared such as love, concern, compassion, and understanding were tossed carelessly aside as I was told exactly what was expected from me. I was left with the impression that if I didn’t comply, the consequences would be dire in regard to our future relationship. It’s been a long time since I've felt as if my back was against a wall the way I did today. I freely admit it hurt more than I could have dreamed possible.

One of the words that came up repeatedly was "entitled". The definition of entitlement is “the guarantee of access to benefits because of rights” and a “belief that one is deserving of some particular reward or benefit.” If a person has a “sense of entitlement,” they believe they deserve certain things, if, for no other reason, than they exist. The only thing I believe I am "entitled" to is an entry to Heaven upon my death. Clearly, we see differently on this matter.

I can’t give answers when there are none to be given. I can’t allow words to have the power to inflict the kind of pain I felt earlier. I can’t look backward or forward because I am too dang busy dealing with today. The one thing I can do is to continue to have faith that all will work out as it’s supposed to in the grand scheme of things and that the answers to all the questions will be revealed in due time.