After A Lifetime

Week 30

After having not seen my father in almost 10 years, I saw him and my stepmonster day before yesterday. My sister, niece, nephew and I met them at their hotel to go swimming. In the course of a very stilted and very limited conversation, they played a weird tag-team game of question and answer. He expressed how much he liked my barefoot sandals and asked where I got them, as he stared down at my feet. He asked a lot about my mom’s health. She asked if I get to visit my mom often. He asked what kind of job I have. She asked what town I live in. He asked if I was planning to stay in the area. She asked why when I replied, "yes". I explained that we wanted to stay there until Jordyn graduates and I mentioned that he is staying with Melissa currently because of his job. He nodded his head and asked how many children Melissa has now. She asked if Richard and I are still married. He ran out of conversation. She apparently did, too. Seriously, that’s all I got after 10 years. That's it.

We moved toward the pool and they hastened to put a distance between us. I didn’t expect it to be anything other than what it was. He has no clue about anything in my life. He doesn’t want to know me. What breaks my heart in all of this, and always has, is the loss. He doesn't know me and he doesn't know my children (he has missed out on most of their lives) and he doesn't know my beautiful grandbabies. I’m not even sure he has a clue how many of them there are. I sincerely doubt he cares.

He has denied me for almost as long as I can remember. I’ve always wondered why. It’s a question that will never be answered. As I watched him from a distance, I was struck yet again, with how much I favor him and his side of the family. The resemblance is more pronounced as I age, I think. On the outside, it would seem I have inherited much from him, on the inside, not so much… if anything at all. There seems to be no resemblance between him and my blond-haired, blue-eyed sister. They on the other hand are VERY close, they always have been and apparently always will be. They are well suited for one another. She is crazy and he is an asshole.

My stepmonster spent almost the entire time sitting on the side of the pool playing Yatzhee with my sister. For some reason, my sister has always sucked up to her. As long as I can remember, they have paired up the few times we have all been together. I was just a wee bit amused at the pointed way the stepmonster ignored me for the most part. I'm afraid by association, my niece was ignored most of the time as well. The one time my father swam near us and appeared to want to communicate, he seemed at such a loss for words, I almost felt sorry for him... almost.

I’m certain the stepmonster was relieved when, after what seemed like forever of listening to the kids saying that they were hungry, I offered to go get everybody food. My niece and I dried off and nearly raced for the exit. The stepmonster's relief was nearly palpable when I delivered it and announced I couldn’t stay because I needed to get back to Mama’s so I could feed her, too. I told them my niece would be going with me. My niece had already begged me to not leave her and had eaten in the car on the way back.

The brief hugs we exchanged as they stood there holding the food I’d bought seemed to emphasize the distance between us. My father’s arms around me were the arms of a stranger. Stiff, reserved, and decidedly uncomfortable, it was an obligatory gesture that resonated with the saddest emptiness I have ever felt.

The stepmonster’s hug was devoid of all emotion. I’m not surprised because it’s been that way for the nearly 40 years I have known her. Funny, when I think of her I generally think of a void. I’ve never seen her as a particularly intelligent person. Nor do I see her as a person capable of true emotion. I can’t explain it I just feel it and always have.

To celebrate and commemorate the sense of freedom I felt at the moment I turned away from them, I decided to get a tattoo. Peter Pan, Wendy, John & Michael are now shadows flying across my arm. Those who know me will get the significance. Those who don’t won’t. Seeing him again has taught me several things. We are nothing to each other. We never really were. We never will be. After a lifetime of pain and anger, I am finally free.