This is My Honest Place

Week 33



Have you ever known that disaster was eminent? Have you ever known that life as you know it is about to end?
I have.
I do.
It is.

I am already wishing it was all over. But, I apparently have to ride this ride for a while.
I don’t have to need a ticket. I don’t have to want it. I don’t have to like it.
I just have to live with it… for now.

I think of all the changes that will occur in the foreseeable future and I shudder. I have spent my entire life taking care of others. I have spent my entire life wishing someone would want to take care of me.

Wow! Seriously, I can’t believe I just said that. But, I am going to let it stand as pure honesty. This is my honest place. This is the only place I have left in my life that it’s safe to melt down. I am definitely in melt-down mode. Not that I will allow that to happen, because I won't. I kind of just wish I had the luxury of being able to do it.

In the upcoming weeks, there will be many changes in our lives. Our boarder/roommate/adopted son/friend is moving to California for the next 6-7 months. Our oldest daughter, her husband, and 1 ½ year old daughter will be moving in temporarily until they can secure jobs and a place to live. Our son has no clue if he is moving home or not.

In the midst of it all, I am trying to help my mom plan the “bucket list” trip she so desperately wants, and needs to take. If I am lucky, I will be crossing off a couple of things on my own “bucket list” along the way.


Dear Lord,
I need your help now more than ever. Please help me find the strength I need to face the dawn of tomorrow… and the sunset, too.
Please help me to ALWAYS love unconditionally, even if I have to draw from the darkest corners of my being.
Help me to be the best me I can be because…
I am,
Justme

Under There Somewhere

Week 8

This has been an odd week. I have had a couple of mini-breakdowns that were prevented from becoming major by my wonderful diligent friends. My emotions have been on a rollercoaster that I have been unable to stop. Sleep has become nearly impossible and when I do manage to get there, I am tormented with non-stop dreams. I can’t remember the last time I felt at peace. The restlessness and anxieties of a life completely out of control are beginning to taking a toll on me. Normally, I am capable of having complete control of dozens of things at once. Lately, I come up empty at every turn.

On Friday I think I started to get a grip on things. I made time for ME. I stole a bit of time. I went to the beach and took photographs of the sky, the sea, the beauty of a cloud-filled sky that negated sunset. I stopped several times on the path back to my mother’s house to photograph trees. As I did, I realized that I had found that elusive peace I am so desperately in need of. I’m sure you know the kind of peace I’m talking about. It’s when you are all alone and quiet, and suddenly you realize you can breathe. The stress is pushed away and your heart is free! I focused on staying focused and for a while I was able to keep all my demons at bay.

In the last two and a half years, I have been with and cared for my mother-in-law, my grandmother, and my father-in-law while they died. I felt comfortable in the knowledge that it was their “time”. I lost a sister-in-law who incidentally was one of my best friends. I was shocked at the suddenness of her death. I know how hard her life had been with mental illness and an endless cycle of addiction. An early death should have been perhaps expected.

Mama being diagnosed with terminal Cancer was completely unexpected. It came at me out of the blue. I can’t stand her disease. I can’t stand the pain it causes her. I can’t stand that I feel like my entire life is being ripped apart. I keep telling myself how lucky we are because it has given us time to really get to know one another. There was a time when we barely knew each other at all. Most importantly, we have discovered we genuinely like each other. I am so sorry it has taken imminent death to break down the barriers of a lifetime between us. I don’t dwell on that aspect of things. I simply try to stay focused on where we are now in our relationship. Where we are is a really good place.

I think the hardest part of it all right now is the utter feeling of helplessness in all aspects of my life. Somewhere along the way, I became a sort of Superwoman; capable of doing everything for everybody, being everything to everybody, handling every crisis for everybody. The more I took on, the greater the weight of the load.

I woke up one day and realized I was using all my energy on others and had none left for me. Do I sound like I’m whining? If so, it’s okay, I have every right to occasionally because it turns out I’m only human. I am allowed to bend in the onslaught of the storm. But I will never break. I can survive anything because of who I am and how I was raised. If I am a bit overwhelmed by the crap that life dishes out, I will look for the lessons hidden under the pile of poo. There are always lessons under there somewhere. And I will never lose sight of the fact that I am me and I am under there somewhere, too.