Under There Somewhere

Week 8

This has been an odd week. I have had a couple of mini-breakdowns that were prevented from becoming major by my wonderful diligent friends. My emotions have been on a rollercoaster that I have been unable to stop. Sleep has become nearly impossible and when I do manage to get there, I am tormented with non-stop dreams. I can’t remember the last time I felt at peace. The restlessness and anxieties of a life completely out of control are beginning to taking a toll on me. Normally, I am capable of having complete control of dozens of things at once. Lately, I come up empty at every turn.

On Friday I think I started to get a grip on things. I made time for ME. I stole a bit of time. I went to the beach and took photographs of the sky, the sea, the beauty of a cloud-filled sky that negated sunset. I stopped several times on the path back to my mother’s house to photograph trees. As I did, I realized that I had found that elusive peace I am so desperately in need of. I’m sure you know the kind of peace I’m talking about. It’s when you are all alone and quiet, and suddenly you realize you can breathe. The stress is pushed away and your heart is free! I focused on staying focused and for a while I was able to keep all my demons at bay.

In the last two and a half years, I have been with and cared for my mother-in-law, my grandmother, and my father-in-law while they died. I felt comfortable in the knowledge that it was their “time”. I lost a sister-in-law who incidentally was one of my best friends. I was shocked at the suddenness of her death. I know how hard her life had been with mental illness and an endless cycle of addiction. An early death should have been perhaps expected.

Mama being diagnosed with terminal Cancer was completely unexpected. It came at me out of the blue. I can’t stand her disease. I can’t stand the pain it causes her. I can’t stand that I feel like my entire life is being ripped apart. I keep telling myself how lucky we are because it has given us time to really get to know one another. There was a time when we barely knew each other at all. Most importantly, we have discovered we genuinely like each other. I am so sorry it has taken imminent death to break down the barriers of a lifetime between us. I don’t dwell on that aspect of things. I simply try to stay focused on where we are now in our relationship. Where we are is a really good place.

I think the hardest part of it all right now is the utter feeling of helplessness in all aspects of my life. Somewhere along the way, I became a sort of Superwoman; capable of doing everything for everybody, being everything to everybody, handling every crisis for everybody. The more I took on, the greater the weight of the load.

I woke up one day and realized I was using all my energy on others and had none left for me. Do I sound like I’m whining? If so, it’s okay, I have every right to occasionally because it turns out I’m only human. I am allowed to bend in the onslaught of the storm. But I will never break. I can survive anything because of who I am and how I was raised. If I am a bit overwhelmed by the crap that life dishes out, I will look for the lessons hidden under the pile of poo. There are always lessons under there somewhere. And I will never lose sight of the fact that I am me and I am under there somewhere, too.

There Are Nudges and There Are NUDGES

Week 7

I am in the process of going through and packing up everything in my parent-in-law’s home. It is no surprise that I am finding many misplaced, lost, and forgotten treasures. Nor is it a surprise that I am feeling more connected to them as I sort through the remnants of their lives. But I can’t help feeling like there is something more afoot.

Lately, I have been receiving a huge number of what I like to call, “nudges”. Nudges are when something happens to strongly remind you of someone who has passed away. They can be actual things that you misplaced or tucked away, perhaps a gift from someone who is no longer. They can be a series of things that point you in a direction you hadn’t thought of going or they can help you come to a decision that you are having trouble making. Sometimes, they are simply things that make you stop and think of your loved one for a moment, reminders and remembrances.

A few weeks ago, I found a tiny box my sister-in-law, Susan, had given me (nudge). Susan passed away on October 10, 2010. It was tucked away in the back of a dresser drawer. The precious contents were still intact exactly as they were the day I received it. A couple of days later, (nudge) I discovered yet another tiny box, this one I clearly remember arriving in the mail not long after her mother died on April 24, 2010. Again, the contents were intact. Within a matter of days, I encountered yet another small tin box she had given me (nudge). This one contained Violet scented lip balm. I had never used it before. When I opened it, my eyes filled with tears as a scent so lovely, so fragrant, so Susan washed over me, filling my senses.

Shortly after these incidences, I had an encounter that I am hesitant to talk about. It caused me to question my sanity momentarily. I frequently go to the beach at sunset to take photographs. I generally like to get photos from many angles, not just the sunset itself. On this occasion, I turned my back to the beach to catch the darkening clouds to the north. There is a bench on the beachside of the dunes and a gazebo on the other side. Other than that, it is very isolated. As is my habit, I turned and snapped, capturing a shadow out of the corner of my eye. I was lining up my next photo as I turned my head toward the bench. Sitting there, looking toward me with her head tilted to the side in a posture I have seen a thousand times, wearing a dress and hat I recognized, was a woman. I turned my head to finish taking the photo. Just that quick, the blink of an eye really, I turned back and she was gone.

I raced across the deserted sand, hitting the boardwalk hard. I cleared the dunes and saw that the gazebo was empty. I heard a voice softly say on the wind, “It’s gonna be alright, Sister”. I knew that voice! I turned in circles in that wide open space and absolutely nowhere did I see anyone at all. I began to shake as I hurried toward my car. My eyes constantly scanning every direction while my mind knew there just wasn’t anywhere anyone could hide. Had I imagined it? No, I know without a doubt that she was there. This was something much bigger than a nudge!

I do not see things that aren’t there. I do not hear voices in my head. I had no explanation for what I had just been through. Completely freaked out, I called my husband, my mother, and my best friend to tell them what had happened. They reassured me that I am not crazy. They all made it sound like it was perfectly natural given how close she and I were. Two out of three suggested that she is trying to tell me something and told me keep my eyes and ears open and to pay attention. Trust me, I am paying attention.

Along this same time period, I made a discovery that renews hope in my heart. Richard’s mom had a broach that a friend had made for her. On it there was an antique porcelain “King Cake” baby. It was one of her prized possessions. I can’t count how many times over the years she showed it to me, taking it lovingly from her jewelry box. Several years ago, she called me in tears because she had gone to get it out to show it to someone and the baby was missing from it. She had searched her jewelry box thoroughly and she was certain it was gone. She was convinced someone had stolen it. I assured her I would help her look for it the next time I visited. Needless to say we searched high and low without ever finding it. While packing the china cabinet a couple of weeks ago, I pulled down a teacup that rattled. (NUDGE) Looking into it, I was delighted to see a half-finished piece of jewelry with the tiny missing baby tucked inside. Mom’s baby had been right here the whole time. The mystery has finally been solved!

I wasted no time in gluing the pieces in the places she had set them. I know it’s a treasure that will always be dear to my heart (see photo at bottom of the page). I thought of the many times we talked about making jewelry out of tiny odd things such as clock faces, gears, screws, spoons, buttons, beads, babies, etc. I thought of the many, many supplies such as these that she had left behind. I decided to start a box to hold them all so that I might pursue dabbling with making things once we finally get moved and settled.

Today, a friend sent me a photo of something called Steampunk Jewelry (NUDGE). I fell instantly in-love with the design, the concept, and the name. Before I could respond, she sent me a link with tutorials on how to do it. I replied with a picture of the pin I so recently had discovered and finished. It turns out it is the very definition of Steampunk and I have a lot of cool stuff with which I can attempt to make my own.

I am paying attention to the nudges now. I am curious to see where they will lead me from here. If I see or hear something else, maybe I will let you know. Then again, maybe I won’t. But if you should happen to get a nudge in your own life, I hope you will recognize it for what it is and make something good of it. I hope you will think of the person who nudges you and smile as your heart fills with love.

On Vacation

Week 6

I am so excited! Richard and I are in New Orleans this Sunday. We are celebrating Mardi Gras with our friends and family. Tomorrow is Lundi Gras. I will have the honor of officiating the wedding of one of my dearest friends, Faith Buchanon Collins will become Faith Buchanon Blaylock. Because of this, I will be adding to this post at a later time. Laissez les bons temps rouler!

Well, Mardi Gras was not at all what I expected. To be honest, it was probably better. We had a great time. The only downer to it all was my mother being hospitalized the whole time. Mardi Gras is one of her favorite holiday seasons.

The wedding was beautiful, as were the bride and groom. I am so honored to be a part of something so special. I absolutely adore officiating in a way I never would have dreamed imaginable. I have to admit that it was a real kick to say, “By the power vested in me by the great state of Louisiana, I now pronounce you husband and wife!” This is the second state I have officiated in and my first elopement. I can’t put into words how touched I am, to be a part of such an important event in such an important way.

I hope I will spend the rest of my life marrying, burying and baptizing. My own ministry, my own way.

More Than Words

Week 5


The winds of change are blowing with gale force in my life. I feel as if I’m outdoors in the middle of a Category 5 hurricane trying to stay on my feet, with no lifeline in sight. Today I shouted three words I try to never string together, “FML”! I didn’t use the acronym, but the actual words. I threw my hands in the air as I began to cry. I let my tears fall freely in an effort to wash away the overwhelming hurt I felt.

Ever optimistic, ever hopeful, I am doomed to forever be reminded that you can’t wear rose-colored glasses and survive in today’s world. I wish sometimes I were someone, anyone, other than who I am. If I were someone else maybe I wouldn’t love so deeply. Maybe, I wouldn’t hurt quite so much for others. Nor would I be able to be hurt so deeply by the words and actions of others. But, I am who I am and I don’t know how to be anyone else.

We all have different types of people in our lives. For instance, there are people in my life I can always count on to say and do negative, sometimes, painful things. There are a few people who manage to bring drama with them at every turn. There are the people who are a positive, loving influence. And people who give encouragement and strength just because they are who they are. When the lines between the two become blurred, it can be quite painful.

I am saddened to discover that words can inflict the kind of damage that was left in the wake of a conversation I had today. The words were common, ordinary words that cut a path of destruction straight through my heart. To be more accurate, it wasn’t the words themselves but the way in which they were used.

Having someone I love, and admire, question my morals and principles on a subject that has nothing to do with either of those things was disconcerting to say the least. Their barely-concealed, sugarcoated outrage and indignation is a bitter pill indeed. Never in a million years could I have predicted that this particular person would feel the way they obviously do. I tried to make them understand that discussing the subject at hand would get us nowhere. I have no answers to many of the questions that were asked repeatedly because the situation itself is, as yet, unresolved. I am certain that we both left the discussion feeling many of the same things though for vastly different reasons. Frustration, pain, disappointment, and disillusionment are not just words but very real feelings.

The things I’ve always felt we shared such as love, concern, compassion, and understanding were tossed carelessly aside as I was told exactly what was expected from me. I was left with the impression that if I didn’t comply, the consequences would be dire in regard to our future relationship. It’s been a long time since I've felt as if my back was against a wall the way I did today. I freely admit it hurt more than I could have dreamed possible.

One of the words that came up repeatedly was "entitled". The definition of entitlement is “the guarantee of access to benefits because of rights” and a “belief that one is deserving of some particular reward or benefit.” If a person has a “sense of entitlement,” they believe they deserve certain things, if, for no other reason, than they exist. The only thing I believe I am "entitled" to is an entry to Heaven upon my death. Clearly, we see differently on this matter.

I can’t give answers when there are none to be given. I can’t allow words to have the power to inflict the kind of pain I felt earlier. I can’t look backward or forward because I am too dang busy dealing with today. The one thing I can do is to continue to have faith that all will work out as it’s supposed to in the grand scheme of things and that the answers to all the questions will be revealed in due time.