Let The Bucket List Trip Begin

Week 35

Today I will be brief. I am loading the car to head to my mom's. Our adventure begins tomorrow. We have specific destinations but no real itinerary. We have specific wishes with lots of wiggle room in between. We have a true desire to spend this time together. I will try to keep a diary while I am gone. Maybe, I will share it here. Who knows? But for now, I'm outta here!

The Grand Adventure

Week 34


In a little over a week, I will embark on a grand adventure with my mom. Her goal since being diagnosed with cancer (she was given 6 weeks to live) has been to get healthy enough to go on a long road trip. 13 months, a full course of heavy duty radiation, a couple of rounds of chemo, pneumonia twice, several bad falls, and a full knee replacement later, we are soon to be on our way.

I pray this will be a restful trip for her, a chance for her to feel real peace deep inside her soul, a chance for her to heal her spirit, without the weight of day-to-day stresses and illness pulling her down. I want her to be surrounded with love and light and laughter. I want her to be with people who genuinely want to be with her. I want to make memories with her that will last a lifetime.

We will find resolution in some instances… with some people… in some places from the past… I hope. We will eat junk food and health food. We will shop for silly souvenirs and postcards. We will listen to music we both like. We will attempt to cross things off each of our bucket lists.

We will celebrate her birthday on the road. It will be a real celebration for her and only her! We will celebrate and rejoice in the fact that we are together and we are both LIVING!

I hope that in the course of things, as we drive along… we will talk… we will share… we will laugh… we will cry… we will respect… and we will love. For two weeks I will be on the road with my mother and I couldn’t be happier at the prospect.

This is My Honest Place

Week 33



Have you ever known that disaster was eminent? Have you ever known that life as you know it is about to end?
I have.
I do.
It is.

I am already wishing it was all over. But, I apparently have to ride this ride for a while.
I don’t have to need a ticket. I don’t have to want it. I don’t have to like it.
I just have to live with it… for now.

I think of all the changes that will occur in the foreseeable future and I shudder. I have spent my entire life taking care of others. I have spent my entire life wishing someone would want to take care of me.

Wow! Seriously, I can’t believe I just said that. But, I am going to let it stand as pure honesty. This is my honest place. This is the only place I have left in my life that it’s safe to melt down. I am definitely in melt-down mode. Not that I will allow that to happen, because I won't. I kind of just wish I had the luxury of being able to do it.

In the upcoming weeks, there will be many changes in our lives. Our boarder/roommate/adopted son/friend is moving to California for the next 6-7 months. Our oldest daughter, her husband, and 1 ½ year old daughter will be moving in temporarily until they can secure jobs and a place to live. Our son has no clue if he is moving home or not.

In the midst of it all, I am trying to help my mom plan the “bucket list” trip she so desperately wants, and needs to take. If I am lucky, I will be crossing off a couple of things on my own “bucket list” along the way.


Dear Lord,
I need your help now more than ever. Please help me find the strength I need to face the dawn of tomorrow… and the sunset, too.
Please help me to ALWAYS love unconditionally, even if I have to draw from the darkest corners of my being.
Help me to be the best me I can be because…
I am,
Justme

Holey Memories

Week 32

I have piercings.In fact, I have a lot of piercings. I have 51 that I am positive about. But to be honest, there may be more in my left ear than I am seeing. It's kind of hard to tell unless I take them all out, a chore that is daunting at best. I have 1 in my nose, 1 in my eyebrow, 4 in my belly button, 5 in my right ear and at least 40 in my left ear. Several years ago, I started losing earrings and couldn’t afford to replace them. I gradually took many more out. I finally found the type of earrings I was looking for at a reasonable price. I bought as many of them as I could find, which involved going to three stores in two states to find them. My goal is to fill every hole before my 50th birthday which is coming all too soon!

Something most people don’t know is that my piercings are my way of commemorating significant milestones and memories in my life and those of loved ones. There are births and deaths, special birthdays and graduations from high schools and colleges, weddings and even a divorce or two. I have baptisms and confirmations, personal achievements and a couple I did just for fun.

Two weeks ago, I got a new piercing. My niece, age 15, wanted to get her first cartilage piercing. I wanted to get my tragus done so I agreed to take her. I am so glad I did. One of the most memorable afternoons of my life was a direct result of that promise. My mother and my sister agreed to go with us. By the time we left the house, my mom had decided to get both of her ears pierced with a second hole. I was delighted that 3 generations of women in my family were getting pierced together. Much to my surprise, my sister even joined in on the fun and got a new hole in the top of her ear. It was the first time in such a long time that my mother, my sister and I had even remotely gotten along. It was nice.

As I diligently clean and turn my newest earring several times a day, I pause for a brief moment as my ear burns like fire (this particular piercing is going to be a very slow healer). But I digress. I realize I am thankful for my wonderful, crazy memories. And, as crazy as they can be, I am thankful for my family. If truth be told, without them, I wouldn’t be me.

Road Trip

Week 31

Last night, we met with many of his old friends for a birthday celebration (his friend John’s birthday) in New Orleans. I rarely feel comfortable at such events but I knew how important it was to Richard that I be there. I went and it was more fun than I thought it would be. That’s the problem with social anxiety, things rarely turn out as bad as your mind tried to make them beforehand.

The only bad thing about it at all was an old girlfriend of his that kept going out of her way to remind me that they had once been together. In retrospect, it’s totally laughable. I truly couldn’t care less about things that happened so many years ago. Or even so much about what the future may hold. I just plain found her to be annoying and not very bright. But I will say she was sort of nice.

That being said, I met several very nice people. I got to see some I’ve met before and really like. So, all-in-all, I would say it was a lovely evening.
Now, we are travelling our way slowly home. Doing something we rarely do, we are both playing nice and on our best behaviors. We will spend the night here in Gulf Shores, Al. This week is short and sweet, kind of like me. Lol. It is time for me to flyyyyyy…

After A Lifetime

Week 30

After having not seen my father in almost 10 years, I saw him and my stepmonster day before yesterday. My sister, niece, nephew and I met them at their hotel to go swimming. In the course of a very stilted and very limited conversation, they played a weird tag-team game of question and answer. He expressed how much he liked my barefoot sandals and asked where I got them, as he stared down at my feet. He asked a lot about my mom’s health. She asked if I get to visit my mom often. He asked what kind of job I have. She asked what town I live in. He asked if I was planning to stay in the area. She asked why when I replied, "yes". I explained that we wanted to stay there until Jordyn graduates and I mentioned that he is staying with Melissa currently because of his job. He nodded his head and asked how many children Melissa has now. She asked if Richard and I are still married. He ran out of conversation. She apparently did, too. Seriously, that’s all I got after 10 years. That's it.

We moved toward the pool and they hastened to put a distance between us. I didn’t expect it to be anything other than what it was. He has no clue about anything in my life. He doesn’t want to know me. What breaks my heart in all of this, and always has, is the loss. He doesn't know me and he doesn't know my children (he has missed out on most of their lives) and he doesn't know my beautiful grandbabies. I’m not even sure he has a clue how many of them there are. I sincerely doubt he cares.

He has denied me for almost as long as I can remember. I’ve always wondered why. It’s a question that will never be answered. As I watched him from a distance, I was struck yet again, with how much I favor him and his side of the family. The resemblance is more pronounced as I age, I think. On the outside, it would seem I have inherited much from him, on the inside, not so much… if anything at all. There seems to be no resemblance between him and my blond-haired, blue-eyed sister. They on the other hand are VERY close, they always have been and apparently always will be. They are well suited for one another. She is crazy and he is an asshole.

My stepmonster spent almost the entire time sitting on the side of the pool playing Yatzhee with my sister. For some reason, my sister has always sucked up to her. As long as I can remember, they have paired up the few times we have all been together. I was just a wee bit amused at the pointed way the stepmonster ignored me for the most part. I'm afraid by association, my niece was ignored most of the time as well. The one time my father swam near us and appeared to want to communicate, he seemed at such a loss for words, I almost felt sorry for him... almost.

I’m certain the stepmonster was relieved when, after what seemed like forever of listening to the kids saying that they were hungry, I offered to go get everybody food. My niece and I dried off and nearly raced for the exit. The stepmonster's relief was nearly palpable when I delivered it and announced I couldn’t stay because I needed to get back to Mama’s so I could feed her, too. I told them my niece would be going with me. My niece had already begged me to not leave her and had eaten in the car on the way back.

The brief hugs we exchanged as they stood there holding the food I’d bought seemed to emphasize the distance between us. My father’s arms around me were the arms of a stranger. Stiff, reserved, and decidedly uncomfortable, it was an obligatory gesture that resonated with the saddest emptiness I have ever felt.

The stepmonster’s hug was devoid of all emotion. I’m not surprised because it’s been that way for the nearly 40 years I have known her. Funny, when I think of her I generally think of a void. I’ve never seen her as a particularly intelligent person. Nor do I see her as a person capable of true emotion. I can’t explain it I just feel it and always have.

To celebrate and commemorate the sense of freedom I felt at the moment I turned away from them, I decided to get a tattoo. Peter Pan, Wendy, John & Michael are now shadows flying across my arm. Those who know me will get the significance. Those who don’t won’t. Seeing him again has taught me several things. We are nothing to each other. We never really were. We never will be. After a lifetime of pain and anger, I am finally free.

Meet The Dragon

Week 29


I was subjected to a situation this past week that really made me stop and think about a lot of things. It can only be described as the road trip from hell. I was subjected to four long hours of torturous, venom-spewing, mind-boggling hatred mixed with occasional bouts of sweetness.

Unless you have dealt with the manic, I doubt you could possibly understand. The metaphorical punches just kept coming and coming. I was verbally slapped until I felt battered and bruised, raw and bloodied. I felt myself withdrawing from the onslaught. I wanted to draw away from the darkness that was being created. I struggled to focus on the light.

I have often equated this mental illness to a dragon. When it is sleeping, you can see only the riches around it. When it is awake, it burns, melts, and devours everything it can. God help the being that wakes the sleeping dragon…

Having not seen this particular dragon awake for a long time, I didn’t expect it now. For almost 31 years, I have dealt with it. I am nonetheless shocked every time it rears its ugly head. I have been the recipient of its wrath more times than I can count. It has broken bones and broken hearts. It has shattered lives and shattered dreams. It always leaves a wake of destruction and bloodshed until it moves on. You learn to tread warily, while constantly praying for peace.

The pain of knowing that someone you love has no control over their thoughts or actions is almost tangible. To be on the receiving end of this unique kind of anger and hatred is incomprehensible. To be the person the dragon holds responsible is a weight unlike any other. To live with the knowledge that you are blamed solely because you gave birth to the child that holds the dragon within, is the source of endless tears. To watch your child battle this for a lifetime is a lifetime filled with nightmares.

How difficult it is to accept and live with the dragon. I love the child with all my heart. I love the child and hate the dragon. Entirely separate entities, they are never one in the same, yet they are forever united. Seldom does a day go by that I don’t wish it could be slain. But to slay the dragon would be to kill the child and that is not an option.

Today, my heart ached to hear she was coming over. I held my breath as she walked in the door. Her smile told me the dragon is once again sleeping. All is temporarily right in her world. I could almost hear the echoes of his snores from within her as she hugged me. With a sigh, I looked deep into her eyes. There I saw, with relief, exactly what I was looking for. I saw only my child once again.

I Gotta Laugh

Week 28


Yesterday went nothing like I expected it to. I learned a long time ago that Peggy, the lady I take care of, and I get along best when we are not exposed to prolonged time together. This rule actually applies to all of her caregivers. It also works best when she isn’t suffering from anxieties, because, she unfortunately, brings her anxieties onto herself. This was destined to be an anxiety riddled weekend before it ever started and I was determined to get through it the best I could.

Peggy loves planning parties. Big ones or little ones, it doesn’t matter, she adores them all. She gets a small idea in her mind and it runs to epic proportions at times. Or as is the case with last night, it went from a dinner party of 3 on Thursday to a party of 8 by Friday night. To make it easier on me, she had the meal catered. All I had to do is pick it up… at 1:00 pm I went to pick up stuff from her friend Mae that needed to be exchanged (Mae is critically ill so we occasionally do things for her and her husband), had to go to 2 different grocery stores, a department store (for the exchanges), Walmart , delivered the exchanged items to Mae, then back home to unload everything and pick up the dogs, drop the dogs off at the groomer’s by 4:00 (which was accomplished but Luna (big boxer mix) decided to twist herself around me as Happy (Cavalier Spaniel) twisted the opposite direction resulting in me landing on my butt hog-tied in the main aisle at PetSmart), and be at the caterer’s by 4:15.

At the caterer’s, it took a bit longer than expected because of a minor mistake. From there I dropped off the a complete dinner for two at Mae & David’s, made it home in time to get the table set and everything organized.

It’s our job to see to it that everything gets done exactly the way she wants it. The biggest problem is, the closer it gets to party time, the worse her anxieties get. I prefer to try to get her through the evening without anxiety meds whenever possible. Last night was a good night… a med free evening. Peggy was ready and waiting an hour before the guests arrived. Everything was on schedule and I managed to slip into my brand new clothes less than 2 minutes before the doorbell rang with the first guests.

There were 2 couples Marlene & Peter, Gloria & Tracy. I served everyone drinks and went back to the kitchen. A couple of seconds later, Peter came in wanting ice for Marlene’s red wine. I filled a separate glass with ice cubes and handed it to him. He reached in and grabbed several pieces which he plunked into the wine causing a rain shower of bright purple spots to appear all over my new dress. He apologized and leaned forward as if to wipe at them and dribbled more down the bottom of it in little rivulets. With a sigh, I ushered him out of the room, assuring him it was ok.

Dinner went off without a hitch. As the last guest slipped out the door, I was a blur of motion. The dogs were supposed to be picked up at 8 and it was almost that. Peggy decided she wanted to ride with me and I urged her to hurry. We made it to pick up the dogs right at 8:30. Loading them in the back we headed to Richard’s hotel. Because I am on a liquid diet, Peggy insisted on getting a complete meal for Richard and dropping it off to him. From there we stopped by my house so I could grab the pillow I’d forgotten to take with me on Friday. I never sleep worth a flip without it!

By bedtime, we were both exhausted. I put her to bed and started the dishwasher, I started a load of clothes and went to get out of my stained dress. I looked at the damage and thought to myself, “There has to be a way to salvage it.” Suddenly, I had a thought. I went and poured a glass of red wine before carrying it to my room. I laid the dress out on the bed and flicked wine droplets off my fingers onto the dress. By the time I was done, it looked like part of the tie-dye design and I have the added bonus of having a one-of-a-kind original. If you can’t laugh at life, it will make you cry. Me? I gotta laugh.

My Anchor

Week 27



I feel as if I’ve been set adrift,
my anchor no longer there.
I am floating along, doing the things that I must do.
But everything feels surreal right now.
I stagger beneath the weight of an overwhelming sense of loss.
It almost feels like something or someone died.

Suddenly, I realize that as long as someone is alive,
there is the possibility of changing the current circumstances.
A ray of hope begins to shine.
I remind myself that I am alive.
I have found my anchor again.
I have found me.

Flying Colors

Week 26


As doctor after doctor told Mama she shouldn’t have her knee replaced right now, I watched a determination light her eyes. They explained that she was at the highest of risks if she underwent anesthesia. They doubted she would survive the surgery. Regardless of their words, I saw the desperation to reclaim any shred of quality to her life. I thought of the unbelievable pain she had been in for months and the heavy drugs she had been on because of it. I knew she felt she had no other choice. I know I had no other choice. I supported her in her decision to go ahead with the surgery.

I was amazed that it took this to finally get her to draw up a Will but she finally did. I am so proud of her for getting her affairs in order.

Almost one year ago, they told her she had cancer and she only had 3-6 weeks to live… she proved them wrong. They told her she probably wouldn’t make it through this surgery… she proved them wrong. Shouldn't, couldn't and wouldn't just are NOT a part of our vocabularies. She came through it with flying colors. She showed everyone just what she is made of. I have always said I come from the stock of steel magnolias and Mama proved it yet again. I’m not surprised, just very, very thankful. This is not where it ends. We have things to do, places to go, and things to see. If Mama wants the moon, I will try to lasso it for her. She is not just my mother, she is my friend.

Vindication

Week 25


I wish I didn’t have to deal with the jealousies, insecurities, greed, spitefulness, anger, viciousness, and lying of loved ones in my life. They make it very difficult to find peace sometimes. They wound in a way only family can ever wound you. They attack me where I am most vulnerable. They can do it because they know my weakest spots after having spent a lifetime as my family. While I love them, I’ve discovered I have no option but to seek shelter from their storm of hatred.

There is nothing about my life that should cause envy or jealousy. I am not and never have been pretty. I do not and have never had much money and I have worked damn hard for what I have earned. Making ends meet has become something of an art form for me. I am not young. In fact, I get steadily older every minute. I take care of the dying while I try to help them to live. I am always tired, and often short-tempered.

I am hurt but I’m not beaten. I am down but I’m not out. I will not hang my head for even a moment, because I am the only one who has nothing to be ashamed of. I am sad for the losses, because they aren’t worth the price that’s been paid. I wonder if they will ever notice?

I know the truth. God knows the truth. My friends, the real ones, know the truth. My family, the real ones, know the truth. And if they would only take a moment to cast their negatives aside, they, too, would know the truth. I am certain they already do. They won't find the validation they are looking for because it doesn't exist where they are looking. I don't need anyone's validation but I do want vindication. I deserve it.

There will come a day when this will all be over and I will breathe a sigh of relief. I will put it all behind me and finally be free to move on as far from the dark as I can get. After all, hasn’t it been said before, “The truth shall set you free”!

What Father's Day Means to Me

Week 24

Father’s Day is today. I have a father. We all do. Some are alive and some are not. Mine is alive, he just sucks. It’s a fact of life. I’m not proud of it, but, I’m not ashamed of it either. Some are good parents and some are not. It took adulthood for me to understand that some parents are just a biological contributor and nothing more.

You see, my father was a coward who moved his family halfway across the country, then he just left and never came back. I understand that adults have their own problems. But, to abandon your own children and leave them in the wake of your wrecked relationship like flotsam and jetsam floating on the sea is still far beyond my comprehension. How can you say you love someone, then turn and walk away… forever?

I can’t imagine leaving my children behind. Not for a second do I think I could have lived without them. That just makes me a different kind of person from my father. My family has always come first in my life. They enrich my life. I don’t feel sorry for myself and I don’t want anyone else to feel sorry for me. Stories like mine are a dime a dozen.

I had some amazing role models in the dad department growing up. My best friend’s dad was one of the greatest. He was always very involved with not only his children, but their friends as well. He was a loving, kind, compassionate father. He was the kind of man who loaned himself out to a little girl who had just lost her father, and wrapped her in his own rare kind of accepting love. He was my first Pop... Pop Finley.

I grew up with a grandfather that did everything in his power to step up to the plate as a role model when my father dumped us (my mother, my sister and myself) practically on his and my grandmother’s doorstep. Not for a second have I ever doubted how much he loved me. He was a wonderful man and an exceptional Grand-DAD.

When I got married, I gained a new dad, my father-in-law, otherwise known as Pop (my second Pop). He accepted me from the beginning and for the first time, I felt like I had a real father. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that I would someday be the person who would end up taking care of him and my mother-in-law in their twilight years, but I did. The last three years of his life, I was blessed to share a kind of love that defies description as I became the parent and Alzheimer’s made him the child.

When it comes to dads, I have been extraordinarily blessed. Though they have all passed on, I am thankful for the time they were in my life. As for my sperm-donor, he missed out on more than he could ever know. He missed out on knowing me.

Maladies of Middle Age

Week 23
(YAY! Halfway through the year!)

Age catches up to all of us. It does it at different times, it may do it in slightly different ways, but it never fails to catch up. You wake up one morning and parts of your body are suddenly too sore to easily move. You’re hearing creaks and pops from joints you didn’t even realize you had.

You pick up a book and are startled to discover it has to be pulled nearer or pushed farther away to make the words legible. Reading glasses become the only solution. If you already have vision issues you will rapidly be introduced to the wonderful world of bifocals or progressive lenses.

One day you will realize you run out of steam a lot faster than you did before you stood at the peak of the middle years hump. Gradually, you are forced to admit that four hours sleep a night just isn’t enough to recharge your batteries any more. Unfortunately, for many, sleeplessness can also become a frequent visitor.


Generally, your waistline thickens and a few pounds can easily slip into a lot of pounds if you aren’t careful. The pounds that go on require twice as much effort to get rid of as they did a year ago. You discover that different foods and drink you’ve eaten your entire life suddenly cause a variety of new maladies. They can cause you to get heartburn, to burp, to fart, to get a bellyache, to pee more or pee less, etc., etc., etc.

For females you get to experience the joys of Menopause. Your hormones suddenly run amok causing hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, increased stress, forgetfulness, menstrual cycles that come and go on a schedule all their own, etc.

Things on your body droop a bit more, wrinkle a bit more, and may not pop up as much as they used to. I won’t even dare to touch the subject of sex because the changes in this area, for both males and females, are as vast as the universe itself. Trust me, when they begin to happen you’ll know it. You may not like it, but you will definitely know it. On the bright side, as far as I can tell, there seems to be a solution out there for just about any problem you can encounter in this area.

Don’t even get me started on the oddity of the sneeze/leak factor. If it’s ever happened to you, you know what I mean! Since complaining about it all hasn’t seemed to get me anywhere, I think I will attempt to revel in it. I will embrace the absurdity of middle-aged maladies and just keep smiling. After all, if I'm lucky, I still have old age to look forward to.

Caregiver's Prayer

Week 22


Please give me patience throughout my whole day.
Please remind me to make time to pray.

Help me to be giving, caring, and kind.
Help me remember, I’m the one in right mind.

When I’m deep in the muck, up to my neck,
Help me always to show others respect.

When I’m tired, frustrated, or sad,
Remind me my plight isn’t so bad.

Please give me courage and wisdom to share
And give me the strength to always be there.

Meet My Grandfather

Week 21

Tomorrow is Memorial Day. For as long as I can remember, this holiday has reminded me of my grandfather. Granddaddy was a bomber pilot in WWII. He flew a B-17. Though he didn’t die in the war, it is a day I pause to pay my respects to him. He would have died in an instant to protect his country, his crew, and his loved ones back home. He was the epitome of a good military man.

He was a wonderful man made of the sternest stock. Of all the men I have ever looked up to in my life, he is the man I have most admired. He demanded more from me than I often thought I had to give. I realize now that he taught me the meanings of determination and perseverance by his examples.

Due to circumstances beyond his control he was forced to drop-out of high school. He continued up the ladder of his distinguished military career until he reached the rank of Lt. Colonel. When he retired, he continued working at the Air Force Base as a civilian. He wrote text books for pilot training. He went to night school and got his GED. His thirst for knowledge and a desire to finish something he had sworn to himself he would do, led him to enrolling at the local junior college.

Granddaddy was a kind and gentle man. But, Lord, help you if you truly made him mad. I made him mad twice in my life. One of them resulted in the whipping of a lifetime when he took a cast iron frying pan to my posterior. Neither of the times I angered him was exactly fair, as I was not guilty in either instance. He was a hard man, but he was fair. He taught me the meaning of humility and contrition as he awkwardly stroked my hair while apologizing for not finding out the facts before acting. He never apologized for the whipping though. I can assure you the lessons I learned from him have stuck with me all my days since.

It Seems

Week 20

Nothing is ever quite what it seems.

It all stays the same;
But is never the same.
Constantly changing
Frequently unchanged.

Nothing is ever at all what it seems.

Mother's Day 2013

Week 19


How to describe American commercialism in three easy lessons: Valentine’s Day covers February then a lull in the retail-after-Christmas-before-tax returns-slump. Next comes Mother’s Day in May and then Father’s Day for June.

I have always felt like we should tell those who mean the most to us that we love them all the time. That we shouldn’t wait for “holidays” to tell us to tell them how we feel. Valentine's Day is a crock of junk and I have never REALLY known a father so, you are really what comes to my mind when thinking of this particular trilogy.

Here I sit, subject to the calendar… a prisoner of timelines… ever waiting for the latest test results, ever waiting for a new prognosis. I am guilted, by society, into telling you that I love you, on this the magical day, somebody in the retail world invented.

I DO love you. I always have. You are my mother. You are the woman who loved me before I was born. You are the woman who carried me for nine long months, who gave me life. You are the woman who cried for me when the world seemed darkest for me. You are the woman who has always felt my pain, and too frequently, tried to absorb it, to lessen that which I would have to endure. You are one of the greatest gifts that life has given me because I have never doubted your love for me.

Mama, I have always known you tried your very best to be the best mother you could be. I know that you have always wanted what was best for me. I have ALWAYS known you love me. And I have always known I had a friend in you. What you have termed as pushing you and others away, is truly a matter of self-preservation from birth. I never meant to offend. In fact, I have only sought to spread peace and love wherever my path has crossed. But in every moment, I have known that if I needed you, you would have my back.

I love you, Mama. I want you to know that I see everyday with you in my life as Mother's Day!

Oh My!

Week 18



You wake up one morning to realize that various body parts did not wake up with you. As you attempt to move, bits and pieces are assaulted by the tingling of blood rushing to parts that obviously had their supply cut off while you were sleeping.

Your bladder feels as if you will explode if you don’t hurry, even though it seems like you were up ten times during the night with the same sense of urgency. Rising from the bed, you hear creaks, groans, pops and cracks as your joints awaken and protest against your movements.

As you brush your teeth, you notice the bags under your eyes. Rinsing, you smile at your reflection and notice the wrinkles that appear around your eyes, beside your mouth, in your forehead. You toss the towel at the shower rod in disgust. You miss. You bend down to retrieve it and a hand goes to the small of your back as you straighten.

The days of jumping out of bed and rushing headlong against the world have passed. Suddenly life has become a series of aches and pains and age, oh my!

Serendipitous Kind of Day

Week 17


Three times today I have encountered a word I seldom hear used but have always loved. I love the way it gently rolls off the tongue when I say it. I love the way it trills along when I hear it spoken. I opened my horoscope before I even climbed out of bed this morning. It began, “Your impulsive behavior is making you more open to serendipity…”

Now, I am the first to admit that I do tend to be impulsive but I can’t imagine how that could make me more open to serendipity. The very definition of the word is, “A happy accident or pleasant surprise”. With a shake of my head, I climbed out of bed and began my day.

Driving home from Ms. I listened to an audio book (I listen to them constantly while travelling back and forth now). I was startled to hear the author read the words, “Darling, you simply must open yourself up so that you will be prepared when serendipity comes calling!” I actually went back and listened to it a second time.

A few hours later, while listening to the radio in the background, I chuckled over a skit they were performing until I heard the punchline, “Blame it on serendipity.”

I am sitting here wondering what it all could possibly mean when it suddenly occurs to me that it could simply mean that I might receive the pleasant surprise of having a reason to use the word serendipity repeatedly. I came home to a wondrously clean house. That was definitely a pleasant surprise. Or maybe, there is a different sort of pleasant surprise awaiting me. Regardless, I have decided it is a serendipitous kind of day!

It's The New Normal

Week 16

For the last two weeks, I have not taken my regular trips to Ms. I have been at home in Fl. What an odd time it has been. The bombing of the Boston Marathon and the events that led to the capture of two people. Packing and worrying, babysitting and working, and relaxing every chance I got. It felt terribly decadent.

I needed the break, such as it was, but now it's time to get back to my routine. It's time to go back to the new normal. It's time to take care of Mama.